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Advice for women
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
39. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
40. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
41. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
42. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
43. Check your oil.
44. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
45. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
46. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
47. If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
48. We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
49. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
50. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
51. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
52. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
53. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
54. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
55. Unless the answer is yes.
56. In which case, can he videotape it?
57. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
58. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
59. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
60. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
61. He heard you the first time.
62. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
63. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot?
64. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
65. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
66. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
67. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
68. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
69. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
71. Don't hog the covers.
72. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...
73. He does not just want to be friends.
74. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
75. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
76. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
77. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
78. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
79. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.
80. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
81. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
82. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
83. Silence does not need to be filled.
84. No, you can't have the remote control.
